We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
