We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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