I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize