I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
