so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
