You can't motorboat a personality
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
