Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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