You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
