You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
