He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
being pregnant is like rehab
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
