Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
