you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
