I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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