dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
