apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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