My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
