my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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