So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
