I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
