well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bring money and cleavage
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
