I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
