Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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