Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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