I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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