I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
