I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
