Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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