i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
