You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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