for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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