Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
