The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
