You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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