dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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