the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
