oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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