I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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