I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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