All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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