that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
