I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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