im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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