NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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