I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
