I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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