the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize