On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
