he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
