I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
