I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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