I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
