New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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