Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
