This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
