im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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