when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
