So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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