just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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