I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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