keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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