That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
