Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
