is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
