Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
