Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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