i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She said her name was "party"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Randomize
