I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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