dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
